Sunday, October 19, 2008


This is my letter to Deena from Can I be Pretty In Pink.....I wanted it to be an OPEN LETTER to all breast cancer patients so that maybe, even from all the help I have given so far with this journey of cancer.....this too, might help in the long run!!!! (PS...there is FOUL LANGUAGE in this....please be advised)

GOD BLESS US EVERYONE....I WANT THE OLD ME BACK and today, one year since my last chemo treatment, THERE IS NO NEW AMY.....just a beat up, feeling like crap most days Amy. So here goes the letter!!!!

My Sweet Deena,
If it's any consolation to you, I wish I would have never had the implants...they hurt ALL THE TIME and especially when I get dehydrated, and boy can I tell when that is happening, more now since going thru cancer/surgery/chemo than ever before. I should have just had them sew me up flat chest-ed and just got the super padded bras or those fake inserts that go into your bra...LOL....maybe in a year or so when I feel back to myself will I think differently but if I knew then, what I know now, I would NOT have put myself thru all that pain.
My nipples never took and the tattooing (had that done 2 times now) has faded to a light shade of ORANGE!!! (it was SUPER ORANGE the first time ) and one nipple was in an upside down "Q" shape, so I had a 2nd tattooing done, which never took and made it even more ORANGE!!! Also, the UPSIDE DOWN "Q" is a left over scar from them "trying" to make nipples out of the extra skin. HA!!!! WHAT A JOKE THAT SURGERY WAS!!!!
So I am what would you say, "A little PISSED OFF" pardon my French but that's how I feel and it was never told to me that the nipple surgery "might not work" nor would the "tattoos, might not work either"......LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRES!!!!
LOL...on a good note, I am alive, hurting most days with the neuropathy in my back, the neurotic emotional basket case from my hormones out of wack and trying to decide if my period wants to come back or if I want to continue going thru menopause (this is not my choice, it's my body fighting itself), you see, it's not just a cut and dry thing with this ugly word CANCER. And, I don't want it to define who I am anymore so I am not participating in anything to do with cancer, I have even started to stop telling people I had it.....I just want to forget it all and move on...I know that sounds bad, but it works for me right now. I have even considered taking off everything on my blog and website about me having cancer, but I continue to get emailed weekly, I kid you not, the emails that come in, about how my journey and pictures have helped so many women. So that my friend, is why I keep it on the blog and the website.
Who knows, we only go with what the doctors tell us, because like I have said before, it's uncharted territory for us. We have NO IDEA what we are doing, at least with child birth, we had some clue, at least at the dentist, we have some clue. But this cancer thing is the pits. It's not just oh, you had cancer, went thru lots of surgeries, lots of chemo and now you are done, you should be better. WELL, WE AREN'T.....this is a life time thing, the AFTERMATH of it all, oh, and let us not forget the 8, YES EIGHT Teeth I had to have pulled because the chemo killed them. I am left with only 3 molars left, 2 of which are going to have to be pulled soon before they too, crumble into a million pieces.
I want to forgot I had cancer.....but my body won't let me. I am a 42 year old woman in her prime who feels like she has been beaten hard and put thru the ringer.....I have a body of a 90 year old. All F=ed up and not normal. So that's about all......that sums it up....ONE YEAR SINCE MY LAST CHEMO and I still feel the aftermath of it all, so do my friends and so does my family.
That's all Folks....