Wednesday, September 12, 2007

~Please Forgive Me~

~Please forgive me for not posting the past week....I really hit rock bottom and I have been nothing but a puddle of tears~

I'm trying everything I can to get over this hump and this whole cancer/chemo thing has finally taken it's toll on me.

Not only is my body hurting, all the way to the bone but emotionally I can't bear the thought of 2 more treatments. Even though I only have 2 more to go, I have been informed that IT'S GOING TO TAKE YEARS to get my full strength back and feel myself again. THAT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW for someone like me who is used to doing anything she puts her mind to.

The chemo is POISONING MY BODY and most days I am so tired and weak I just want to go to bed and not wake up for a year. The nausea is getting worst, my entire jaw and teeth hurt so bad that I can no longer "chew" anything. Can you believe it, I DRINK WARM JELLO because it feels good in my mouth and it doesn't hurt, same with cooked noodles...LOL...Yummy combo huh???? My sternum, hips and femur bones in my legs feel like someone hit them with baseball bats. Sometimes when I walk, my hip gives out where it's connected to my legs and I stumble, not to mention I give out a YELL because it hurts so bad. (and all I can do for that is take Tylenol with Codeine, like I want to be drugged up all the time, I'm already tired as it is)
THEN THERE IS THE WEIGHT GAIN....HOLY COW BATMAN....Just imagine taking steroids (like I am) and not working zero exercise (I am to weak and tired to even think about exercise) I am retaining water so much that I can no longer see the bones in my feet....and it's gross. Now, most of you would probably never share this but since this is my journey thru all of this, I am going to share. I have gained 43 pounds....YEP....THAT'S A SMALL CHILD...and I don't think gaining that weight has helped my demeanor either. I have gone up 5 jean sizes. That alone is DEPRESSING!!!
So, I have been out of sorts the last week and I am sorry I haven't kept in touch, I just couldn't even look at the computer, let alone blog. But with encouraging words from you....I am going to COWBOY UP and get going again.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!! I REALLY REALLY DO....I don't know what I would do without YOU!!!!
Love, Amy