This is my letter to Deena from Can I be Pretty In Pink.....I wanted it to be an OPEN LETTER to all breast cancer patients so that maybe, even from all the help I have given so far with this journey of cancer.....this too, might help in the long run!!!! (PS...there is FOUL LANGUAGE in this....please be advised)
GOD BLESS US EVERYONE....I WANT THE OLD ME BACK and today, one year since my last chemo treatment, THERE IS NO NEW AMY.....just a beat up, feeling like crap most days Amy. So here goes the letter!!!!
My Sweet Deena,
If it's any consolation to you, I wish I would have never had the implants...they hurt ALL THE TIME and especially when I get dehydrated, and boy can I tell when that is happening, more now since going thru cancer/surgery/chemo than ever before. I should have just had them sew me up flat chest-ed and just got the super padded bras or those fake inserts that go into your bra...LOL....maybe in a year or so when I feel back to myself will I think differently but if I knew then, what I know now, I would NOT have put myself thru all that pain.
My nipples never took and the tattooing (had that done 2 times now) has faded to a light shade of ORANGE!!! (it was SUPER ORANGE the first time ) and one nipple was in an upside down "Q" shape, so I had a 2nd tattooing done, which never took and made it even more ORANGE!!! Also, the UPSIDE DOWN "Q" is a left over scar from them "trying" to make nipples out of the extra skin. HA!!!! WHAT A JOKE THAT SURGERY WAS!!!!
So I am what would you say, "A little PISSED OFF" pardon my French but that's how I feel and it was never told to me that the nipple surgery "might not work" nor would the "tattoos, might not work either"......LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRES!!!!
LOL...on a good note, I am alive, hurting most days with the neuropathy in my back, the neurotic emotional basket case from my hormones out of wack and trying to decide if my period wants to come back or if I want to continue going thru menopause (this is not my choice, it's my body fighting itself)....so, you see, it's not just a cut and dry thing with this ugly word CANCER. And, I don't want it to define who I am anymore so I am not participating in anything to do with cancer, I have even started to stop telling people I had it.....I just want to forget it all and move on...I know that sounds bad, but it works for me right now. I have even considered taking off everything on my blog and website about me having cancer, but I continue to get emailed weekly, I kid you not, the emails that come in, about how my journey and pictures have helped so many women. So that my friend, is why I keep it on the blog and the website.
Who knows, we only go with what the doctors tell us, because like I have said before, it's uncharted territory for us. We have NO IDEA what we are doing, at least with child birth, we had some clue, at least at the dentist, we have some clue. But this cancer thing is the pits. It's not just oh, you had cancer, went thru lots of surgeries, lots of chemo and now you are done, you should be better. WELL, WE AREN'T.....this is a life time thing, the AFTERMATH of it all, oh, and let us not forget the 8, YES EIGHT Teeth I had to have pulled because the chemo killed them. I am left with only 3 molars left, 2 of which are going to have to be pulled soon before they too, crumble into a million pieces.
So I am what would you say, "A little PISSED OFF" pardon my French but that's how I feel and it was never told to me that the nipple surgery "might not work" nor would the "tattoos, might not work either"......LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRES!!!!
LOL...on a good note, I am alive, hurting most days with the neuropathy in my back, the neurotic emotional basket case from my hormones out of wack and trying to decide if my period wants to come back or if I want to continue going thru menopause (this is not my choice, it's my body fighting itself)....so, you see, it's not just a cut and dry thing with this ugly word CANCER. And, I don't want it to define who I am anymore so I am not participating in anything to do with cancer, I have even started to stop telling people I had it.....I just want to forget it all and move on...I know that sounds bad, but it works for me right now. I have even considered taking off everything on my blog and website about me having cancer, but I continue to get emailed weekly, I kid you not, the emails that come in, about how my journey and pictures have helped so many women. So that my friend, is why I keep it on the blog and the website.
Who knows, we only go with what the doctors tell us, because like I have said before, it's uncharted territory for us. We have NO IDEA what we are doing, at least with child birth, we had some clue, at least at the dentist, we have some clue. But this cancer thing is the pits. It's not just oh, you had cancer, went thru lots of surgeries, lots of chemo and now you are done, you should be better. WELL, WE AREN'T.....this is a life time thing, the AFTERMATH of it all, oh, and let us not forget the 8, YES EIGHT Teeth I had to have pulled because the chemo killed them. I am left with only 3 molars left, 2 of which are going to have to be pulled soon before they too, crumble into a million pieces.
I want to forgot I had cancer.....but my body won't let me. I am a 42 year old woman in her prime who feels like she has been beaten hard and put thru the ringer.....I have a body of a 90 year old. All F=ed up and not normal. So that's about all......that sums it up....ONE YEAR SINCE MY LAST CHEMO and I still feel the aftermath of it all, so do my friends and so does my family.
CANCER SUCKS!!!!
That's all Folks....
Amy
17 comments:
I totally agree..
I love you..posting this on my blog too!!
deena
Oh my gosh! I am crying! My heart goes out to you and Deena and every other cancer survivor out there. I complain and whine about my diabetes but it is nothing NOTHING like what you have been through! Keep fighting Amy! Never ever give in! Love to you my sweet friend!
Please keep your cancer info up on your blog. For those of us who have only been touched a "little" by someone in our circle having cancer, there are many mysteries that remain hidden until someone is willing to hang it out there, like you. I have learned more about this wretched disease from your blog and others like yours, than from all the other sources,combined.
Knowledge is power and I expect your admissions of the little things, will help other women (men too) make informed choices, while knowing about these little things that no one else tells them.
It also strikes me how the effects last for so long and how some things are permanent. There is just so much the general public does not know and if someone near and dear to me - myself included - should be diagnosed with cancer, then I will have a much better understanding of what that person is going through and what I can, or should NOT do, to help.
You reach people around the world from this blog of yours. Please do not underestimate its power or effect on others; many of us are lurkers but we're here, quietly supporting you but not leaving messages (sorry 'bout that...)
As an aside note, has your daughter received any of her mail yet? Going through boot camp is tough enough and getting mail is such a morale booster. I hope that has been straightened out!
Hi Lovely Amy,
I'm sending huge hugs your way. Yes, life can suck and I feel for you. You are such a strong woman and that really encourages me. Thanks for all you share.
Love to you xxxx
J
Oh, Amy...thank you for being so honest! Hang in there. Even if your body is not the way it was, you are still worth everything. We love you!
Hi Amy, I think you should leave everything on your blog because I'm sure it helps other people who have to go through that dreadful time. I think about you a lot and I'm so sorry you are still having so many problems. Smile like you always do and keep your chin up. You are so brave and a wonderful friend.
Amy-
One thing I really admire about you is your blunt honesty. Your blog is an honest resource- down to the pictures of the surgery and reconstruction.
Having not had breast cancer, I do see your resources as valuable- and can only imagine how other women wearing cancer shoes feel when they find out info from your site. You answered questions I had always wondered about but never asked anyone. How can you ask details to someone who has had a mastectomy? Yet you shared so openly the answers to delicate questions people wondered but never asked.
Don't give up- you've come so far-
Hi Amy,I'm praying for you.
Blessings,Shelley
Hi Amy,
Consider yourself HUGGED...
I also appreciate your honesty.
Take care friend.
Deb
This has to be the best post I've read yet from a breast cancer patient, and I have to really encourage you to keep it up there and let the whole world read it.
I, too, am fighting this thing. Stage 3b. Since I let it go so long, the tumor was large, so I'm getting the chemo first before surgery. I'm on my 4th chemo, feeling like crap all the time, worse with each treatment. I'm glad to hear someone else is having trouble with teeth. Mine are falling apart, too.
The worst part is, I can't seem to find anyone who really understands.
Not REALLY! And I'm feeling myself clamming up. "How are you" is answered with "fine," as any other honest answer seems like whining, snibbling stuff.
I know from my sister's chemo 2 years ago that there ARE lasting effects as she fights with serious kidney problems that she never had before, high blood pressure, flucuating potassium levels, etc. I dread knowing what I'm exchanging this cancer for.
My Dr. seems to feel that as long as I take a breath once in a while, can crawl into the chair for the next chemo, and can answer a question or two with some normal type of answer, then he's winning over the cancer. The cost doesn't seem to matter.
So my friend, I hear ya! And thank you for being honest here! You made my day today and I appreciate it so much!
Cora
Amy,
I have to make my feelings and thoughts known. No I have not had a personal encounter with the beast cancer but watched my mother die of colon/rectal and my best friends dad also pass. What I am pissed about is just like everything you said, the unknown. When someone has cancer they know they are in for one hell of a ride. At least I hope they do. Anyhow, doctors become our Gods, our salvation. I know they know this, and maybe many know they can only do so much. However, false hope is what I hear and hear over and over. So my question is do you go through all the crap to feel even more like crap? When your as young as you, do you have a grand quality of life after it all? If so how long after? How can you dispel the anger and move on? Can you? My heart goes out to you and ANYONE who has made it through all the procedures. My love, compassion and blessing go out to you strongly for the road ahead. I was so deathly sick this summer from meds after my spine surgery. The surgery was a miraculous success and I can walk and live pain free. However, I'm loseing alot of hair, can't maintain weight and have colon issues from the drugs and stress, and of course my marriage has really fallen apart,cause I can't work yet and were hurtin. I can also totally understand about wanting to move on and forget, I had to remove posts from my site cause I don't want to look back nor will I get any surgery for a very long time, or take a bunch of destructive meds. Sweetie, all I can suggest at this point is to read. By that maybe, just maybe you'll come across something to relieve some symtoms. I do appreciate what you said today more then you can ever know, doctors are not Gods, and life isn't a slice of cake once you finish chemo and radition. love to you, Lori
Amy, I was so sad to have missed your call. I hope you enjoy the little treats I sent.
I appreciated your honest post. I've had too many dear friends and family attacked by breast cancer. Winning and losing their battle. I hate the unfortunate aftermath with this war. Survival definitely doesn't come without permanent changes, emotionally and physically. I don't know what powers that be it would take to bring about a new treatment/cure for breast cancer. It's said cures are usually focused on because of the (growing) numbers affected, male or female. Makes me wonder if more males were to get it,would it bring the attention for change in treatment?!
After all producing Viagra was someones priority.
Sara
Hi Amy,
Sending you much love and prayer -
Hugs,
Dena
Amy, please don't remove your web. You may have helped many women by being honest. One day I may let go and put all my feelings down and I know it's nothing like the cancer that eats away, but there are days when I wish it was because then we could do something about it. I am so glad to have found you and Deena and Mary because you have given me strenght that I didn't know I had. Don't call the white coats but there are days when I just want to go "Home" but that won't happen until the Lord calls me home. I wish I knew how to set up a web just for that---maybe I should just do a blog about it and put all my negativity there instead of on my blog where I was going to only keep my crafting and fun daily stuff on. Well guess I will do that. For now, I'm going put away things from my parents house. Thanks for always being there for us. Love and Hugs, Pat
You are tough, you will come out of this. I know the cancer has changed your body and your soul, but, your message is being heard. God Bless you!
Hi again Amy,
COme over and visit me..I have a little gift for you my friend:)
I mailed the MO today and I think you should get it Sat or Monday for sure.Thanks...and can't wait to see new treasures in your shop.
Warmly,
Deb
Hi Amy: I know you are not looking for sympathy, just getting all the crap off your chest, and good for you. I think of you so often and feel saddened that so many of the things you anticipated with such optimism (breast implants etc.) have turned out to be less than wonderful for you. And then of course, add the pain. My dear friend, I will remember you in my prayers and I am wishing with all my heart that your life gets easier. I am sending the biggest hug your way. Always a thought away. Hugs Sandi
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