Friday, November 09, 2007





SIDE EFFECTS have hit me with the Tamoxifen and it hasn't been pretty.
I have had headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness (to the point I can hardly walk because I run into stuff) hot flashes every 20 minutes or so, soaking through my shirts like I am in a wet t-shirt contest....HA HA HA....never been in one but thought that might be what it is like, and it just SUCKS!!!!


I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and even tho I was able to make it to my appointment with the plastic surgeon, I am not looking forward to surgery on the 3rd of December. I am weak and I am kind of depressed as my mind wants to do things and get back to working, but my body won't let me.


To be honest, I have unplugged the house phone from bill collectors calling.....YEP...HAVING CANCER CAN FINANCIALLY HURT EVEN when you have GREAT INSURANCE....and I just want to run away!!! I want to get back to the website and eBay so bad but my body won't let me. SO, Mr. Bill Collector, I have unplugged my phone and won't be plugging it back in until I can get back on my feet.


Sleeping habits are not there.....I feel like a cat with the cat naps and the insomnia. I think I can't sleep because I worry too much about the bills and I dream that I die in my sleep, I dream that we lose everything we have worked so hard for and so I don't want to go to sleep.


Ex-spouses from both my side and my hubby's side. Yelling, Screaming, feeling they are the VICTIM of THEIR LIFE'S troubles and it's all OUR FAULT!!! Feeling that in someway, I am responsible for their failures. GET A GRIP YOU TWO!!! START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for YOURSELF and YOUR CHOICES!!! I DID NOT CHOOSE TO GET CANCER, I DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL.
LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOUR PITIFUL SELF'S. And hey, just because YOU CHOSE to do the things you do shouldn't make it so we and YOUR CHILDREN suffer for your choices. I'm not the one who chose to quit or stay in my job, I am not the one who is behind on child support by THOUSANDS of DOLLARS and I am not the one who is making your life miserable. GROW UP AND BECOME A PARENT to your kids and BE RESPONSIBLE for them too!!! GET A DIFFERENT JOB, or keep the one you have, STOP DATING EVERYTHING THAT WALKS YOUR WAY (or through your computer screen), stop going out of town or state to be with that "flavor of the month" and PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN. YOU NEED to FIX YOURSELF before you will be happy with anyone....Remember, to love yourself so others can love you too!!! (For example, today, as I am trying to get my immunities up for my surgery and dealing with getting better from this cancer, I sit here with your daughter who is throwing up and wondering WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??? THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER!!!)
I wish for just ONE MONTH you could be in my shoes, dealing with cancer and see how good it feels to take care of the kids in that condition. GET OUT OF YOUR PITY POOL and DEAL WITH YOUR BAD SELF!!!

Side Effect #6

Well, hmmmm...I know there are more...but for today, this is enough.....

It could be worst, I know, and I will keep trying to find the glass half full but today it just didn't happen. I really am a good person, there is just so much ONE PERSON CAN TAKE. Please GOD...DON'T STRIKE ME DOWN.....



Anonymous said...

Amy...of course you are a good person. You are facing a lot of stressful situations when you should be able to just concentrate on getting well. It takes a lot of energy and stamina to do that.Good for you taking the phone need to do that.I deal with a lot of stress in my life, and it's the cause of a lot of havoc. I think the best thing is for you to just take it a step at a time. You are absolutely right that the ex-es in your life need to re-evaluate their priorities. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost dear girl.Hang in there, we are all praying for you to get through your ordeal.God will not strike you down.Have a good cry, you deserve it, then splash cool water over your face and take it easy.You may feel better once you release some of this built up always Amy, prayers for you and your family.

Karen said...

GO AMY!!! Yeah! I do not blame you one little bit, and if it were me in your place, I would be a thousand times worse!! Call if you ever need to talk - it was great seeing you yesterday!!

Love You - Karen

The Urban Chic said...

Dear Sweet Amy, I feel for you and wish I had done what you did---unplug the phone. You have every right to be angry and I would be spitting nails if I had to deal with what you have. I think your Xs need a good dose of what you have faced and are facing. Just remember what goes around, comes around---it's the circle of life and it never fails. I hope things get better for you, because I can't think of anyone who deserves it more right now. Big cyber Hugs, Pat

Iowa Gal said...

Iam surprised you have been strong this long. Vent on us ,out here in blog land ,as much as you want dear friend. Keep that phone unplugged and any emails from the exes just ignore them for a while. The way they sound I can see they they are yours and Bobs exes. You have been thru a lot and your body is just wiped out both physically and emotionally. Take one day at a time even if it is baby steps. There will come a day when you will begin to feel better. Until then take it day by day. Do like I do when I have a hot flash.... Open up the top freezer door and stand in front of it. Your IOWA friend..JAN

Auntie Joy said...

Dear Amy,
I was so glad to see you had left a post, I have been checking on you and after readung your post I see why you haven't had the energy to write. You have every reason in the world to be miserable and I am so impressed that you would be honest enough to share your feelings. I am so sorry on top of it all you have to deal with such miserable x's. You deserve the very best but seems as if you are getting the very worst...When I was dealing with my hardest times, for some reason I would remember, everyone will get a turn... and I hope the people who are being mean get their turn soon!!You are a winner!! Hang in there!! There are so many people praying for you and your family, things are bound to turn around soon.
Wishing you the very best!

FarmHouse Style said...

Amy, I have NO doubt that you are a good person. Let it out!!!! We can take it, from Side Effect 1 through have so many people who are on your side and only want you to get better and recover your life.

Praying for better days for you.


ohiofarmgirl said...

Amy, I have no idea what you are going through right now but I know that you are a strong person....just by reading your previous posts. We are now entering the time of Thanksgiving...maybe try to find one thing each day that you are the most thankful for??? It may brighten your spirits.
I have a dear friend that is now losing her battle with breast cancer...she is doing experimental treatments but so far without much I am thankful that I have had her as a best friend since first grade...she will forever be in my heart! Be blessed, dear one!Dianntha

Anonymous said...

Amy, I love the memo in your post to cancer! You go ahead and get good and mad. Maybe you can send your last post to both of the exes...not like they didn't deserve it.
You are a good person, I don't think you ever have to fear that.
I step outside when I get a hot flash, the ones in the summer are worse, nowhere cold to go.
I'm so sorry you're not feeling well, I know that alone works on your nerves.
Unplugging the phone is a very good idea. Plug it back in when you're ready to deal with them.
You should not have to carry this burden all on your own. I'm sure there are many people willing to help, don't be afraid to pull in those extended favors.

Miss Rhea said...

Good for You !! Get it all out !! Holding it in is so toxic. I am still praying for you sweet lady. hugs,

Counting Your Blessings said...

I've thought all those things about my ex and I'm not exhausted from months and months of poison in my system. Relax - God won't strike you down. He knows how you feel whether you say it or not. Ask Him again... more strength everyday! Sweetie, this has become your whole life - except you've managed to still be a mom, wife, blogger, telephone-answerer... It's time for one of them to go - you picked the right one! =) Blessings... Polly

Sweet Remembrance said...

Keep it coming! You need to vent and I will listen.
I'm here for you...

Lori @ Katies Rose Cottage said...

Dearest Amy ~
Girl, you have every right in this whole world to be mad as mad can get ~ You can be mad at cancer, mad at the ex's, mad at the stupid bill collectors and just downright mad ~ it is okay and you know what, God knows that you will be mad and I know he thinks that is okay ~ If you are mad, you are strong and that is a good thing ~
Hang in there sweet thing and know there are so many people praying for you and thinking about you ~

carole said...

Oh Amy:
Now I know why my calls have gone unanswered. I wish I could help you with your pains. All of us are here to listen and read about what you are having to deal with; so always peck at your keyboard knowing we want to read your words!!!
Pain, bills and you are still a responsible Mom, Wife, Daughter and Friend.
We love you!!!
Peace & Love

Missy said...

Hi, Amy! It is hard to believe that there are people as insensitive to your situation as the "exes" sound right now. I am sorry that they are adding stress you don't need when you are feeling lousy. You are so much better than that - even when you think you are having a "bad" day. I am sorry I have been so busy with my new job that I have not stayed in touch as well as I should. Things should settle down soon, but please know that no matter what I will always be there if you need me for anything! Lots 'o love!!! ~~~ Missy

a said...

Anyone in your life that is causing you an ounce of extra stress OUTA BE TOTALLY ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES!

try your hardest to tune them all out, be selfish with yourself at this time* Believe it or not? You're healing everyday;) soon you will be all better so hang in there! xo

p.s. sticking my head in the freezer helps during those damn flashes! ;)

Camie M. said...

They'll get theirs, and although it's not a good thing to wish others ill will, kharma will take care of always does. You are living proof of GOOD kharma!! Bless your heart you don't need any of this crap at this time in your life be pissed and get it all out and then let God handle it while you take care of yourself and be THANKFUL for every breath you take. This is bound to be one of the sweetest Thanksgivings ever, and there is so much more to be thankful for than angry about. You just keep up with your dignity and strength and show your kids what a wonderful human being looks like...they all learn from your example...make your light shine brighter than those ex's.
Love and Hugs!! Camie

marylou said...

Dear Amy,
" A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." Maya Angelou
I know you will soon find your song:) It has been a long and difficult road for you BUT thru your blogs I have found you to be a determined & wonderfully beautiful spirit! You WILL sing again soon:) You are in my prayers.
Hugs dear one, Marylou

BittersweetPunkin said...

Vent away Darlin',,,you have every right...good for you....
Amy..keep up your are doing a great job although you may not always feel that way.
Always in my Prayers,

kathyann said...

Dear beautiful,sweet Amy,I really feel your pain right now ,but you are strong ,it shows in your posting,getting mad and letting go is a good way of releasing those inner tensions and we all need to do that from time to time, even if we are not dealing with something like cancer,just getting mad and talking about it is in itself a healing process, so you go girl get it all out ,we can take it ,and those b.....d's will get what's coming to them ,like they say what goes around comes around .In the mean time AMY BE KIND TO YOURSELF !!!! Our love and prayers are with you ,Kathyann (meg's mum's muffins )

Joy said...

Vent away dear Amy - it's good for the soul. You need to expel all of that bad stuff that is poisoning you and right now the poison happens to come in the form of ex's. I know about that part, I've been there. Soldier on and know that it WILL get better. You are a hero to many but most importantly, your children. And that NO-ONE can ever take away from you!

You are in my prayers.



Lallee said...

Amy, just sending you lots of hugs your way. God loves it when His children come to them with all their yuck and fears and honesty and crawl up in His lap with them. Praying for better days for you!


Lori said...

Amy, Poor girl. Hon, you've came this far and if it's one thing we all know, it's why we call them"EX"! Know how them darn bill collectors are even with insurance! It was so bad I changed the phone number and would only deal with them through mail correspondance I refused to be bullied when I am sick, neither should you have to. Oh before I forget, "Give um Hell girl" You are more then allowed too! And if someone doesn't like it, tuff. Love, Lori

ellen said...

Unless one has gone through what you have and are going through, I know that it is impossible to truly understand the HELL you have been in. The only thing we can truly do is try to send our support and love to you, to pray and try to support you as best we can. Please hear what people are saying, because I know that each one of your readers supports you 100% and more, if that is possible. You have shown such courage and grace in the face of such awfulness. Love to you.
(and p.s. being Pissed Off is Good!)

cityfarmer said...

I do think this was really good for you and all of us who take life for granted I think it kicked us in the pants.

You are loved.

BeachysCapeCodCupboard said...

You are so dearly loved Amy, and it hurts to read a post like this, knowing the horrible things you've been put through. God is a constant in your life, and He will always, and always has, loved you!