Wednesday, September 12, 2007

~Please Forgive Me~

~Please forgive me for not posting the past week....I really hit rock bottom and I have been nothing but a puddle of tears~

I'm trying everything I can to get over this hump and this whole cancer/chemo thing has finally taken it's toll on me.

Not only is my body hurting, all the way to the bone but emotionally I can't bear the thought of 2 more treatments. Even though I only have 2 more to go, I have been informed that IT'S GOING TO TAKE YEARS to get my full strength back and feel myself again. THAT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW for someone like me who is used to doing anything she puts her mind to.

The chemo is POISONING MY BODY and most days I am so tired and weak I just want to go to bed and not wake up for a year. The nausea is getting worst, my entire jaw and teeth hurt so bad that I can no longer "chew" anything. Can you believe it, I DRINK WARM JELLO because it feels good in my mouth and it doesn't hurt, same with cooked noodles...LOL...Yummy combo huh???? My sternum, hips and femur bones in my legs feel like someone hit them with baseball bats. Sometimes when I walk, my hip gives out where it's connected to my legs and I stumble, not to mention I give out a YELL because it hurts so bad. (and all I can do for that is take Tylenol with Codeine, like I want to be drugged up all the time, I'm already tired as it is)
THEN THERE IS THE WEIGHT GAIN....HOLY COW BATMAN....Just imagine taking steroids (like I am) and not working zero exercise (I am to weak and tired to even think about exercise) I am retaining water so much that I can no longer see the bones in my feet....and it's gross. Now, most of you would probably never share this but since this is my journey thru all of this, I am going to share. I have gained 43 pounds....YEP....THAT'S A SMALL CHILD...and I don't think gaining that weight has helped my demeanor either. I have gone up 5 jean sizes. That alone is DEPRESSING!!!
So, I have been out of sorts the last week and I am sorry I haven't kept in touch, I just couldn't even look at the computer, let alone blog. But with encouraging words from you....I am going to COWBOY UP and get going again.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!! I REALLY REALLY DO....I don't know what I would do without YOU!!!!
Love, Amy


The Urban Chic said...

Amy, I am in tears for you right now. Although I didn't have chemo, I had some strong antibioditic cocktails and I know what they did to my body, so I really know what you feel--only difference was the vancomycin made me lose lots of weight and I looked like a walking white skeleton. Keep that spirit of fight and don't let go of it. Rest is good or so I was told, but like me, it's hard telling an active person that things will get better, but it does. I look forward to your posts, even though you think they are depressing, I can read between the lines, and I see that strong spirit in you. Aaron Neville is one of my favorites and it's true Jesus loves you. Big Hugs, Pat

Becky said...

Oh Amy how I wish I could take your pain away. I still pray for you everyday. You don't have to apologize for not blogging. You are going trough alot and we all understand. Just do what it takes to get well. We will be here for you always.
Hugs and love

Camie M. said...

Amy, You had me in tears as well. I'm sooo sorry you have to endure this trial. The road is hard and it seems neverending but there will come a day soon when you feel so much better and the hope and happiness will return. I believe that wholeheartedly! Don't get rid of those skinny jeans quite yet! =)
You certainly don't need to apologize to all of us out here and you don't need to "cowboy up" if you don't have it in you either. You do what YOU need to to take care of YOU.
Sending extra prayers for strength your way!!
Love, Camie

Daisy, Buddy, and Penny said...

Amy, I know exactly how you feel. The pain is so depressing and it's hard to see the end of the road. But the end is coming up soon! And I don't know who told you it would take years to feel like yourself again, but that's simply not true for most of us. I feel GREAT, and I've felt GREAT for almost a year. My last chemo was July 5, 2006, and I was feeling myself by October or November of 2006. And now I feel perfect, like I never had cancer, surgery, or chemo. You can make it, and you will feel better soon!

Take care!

Jerri said...

My mom always told me, "this too shall pass." I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can imagine you getting better!!!!!

She'sSewPretty said...

OH Amy! You'll be strong again before you know it...don't listen to what "the studies" say. The doctors said my son would never walk and he is skateboarding off buildings. Yikes...Talk about the perfect diet...Eat all you want and stay on a skateboard the rest of the time...I'm thinking about having him teach me...cuz I have more than 43 lbs to lose...bleachhh. Love you girl!

Anonymous said...

Amy, I would imagine that everyone that goes through what you are, hits a low at one point, which would make you normal. Just this past weekend, my sister Linda was here to visit, and we had a good cry together, she was feeling nauseated most of the weekend. She say's her chemo weeks drain her emotionally and physically. Please don't think you have to cowboy up for'll find some of the most understanding people posting and praying right on your very own blog. You do as "Amy" needs to I suggested to my sister It really is all about "her" right now and "you".
Big Hugs & Healthy Vibes
p.s. My sister Linda say's if you need a chemo buddy to talk to, you can email her at

Lori said...

Amy, I feel so sad for you and the pain. I wish there were words but I know there not. I wish there was anything I could offer to ease your day. Pray to Mary for the strenght to get through the finale two! When I felt this January that the pain would never end I asked her to help hold me up till I could on my own, it worked. All my love and concern, Lori

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy,
Sorry you have been feeling so bad! I just want you to know that a lady who works with me at the hospital just finished up chemo for breast cancer and although she was really sick going through the treatments she is back at work and feeling stronger everyday. She gets tired but she is coming back strong. Also another lady who's husband works with me just went through breast cancer treatment and she is also back at work hard at it. Please don't let people discourage you as I have know so many women with breast cancer who have been so really sick and once the treatment is over getting back on their feet comes quicker than they thought. You are encouraging to all of us out here no matter what we are going through because you have shared this journey although not a journey you would have surely pick to do. We will keep praying for you Amy as you have came so far. I couldn't walk for over 3 months several years ago when I broke my leg at the knee. Now people say to me why do you walk so fast? I say because at one time I couldn't walk at all and walking fast hid the terrible limp I had. Even though I am reminded every day with the screws & plate in my leg and the discomfort I know it has made me stronger in so many ways. That is why I know you will beat this terrible thing called cancer. Hugs & love to you Amy!

Shelley said...

I pray the Lord God give you added strength today and less pain. I pray that with each new day he will begin to renew your health until you are feeling strong and more lively than ever . God bless you Amy ! In the holy name of his son Christ Jesus. Amen

I love the song ! I'm so glad, even with all your pain and suffering you have such strong faith to know God is in total control of your situation and he loves you more than any other possibly could. It's so hard to try and understand why, but one day there will be no question as to why . Then our eyes of understanding will be open and we will see so clearly his plan .

Love and prayers, Shelley

Missy said...

Amy, I can't even imagine all the fortitude it takes to get through this chemo thing as you are doing. But I do want to say, as someone who has dealt with fluctuating weight their whole life (without a medical reason as you have), don't concern yourself with that for one minute right now. You are so tall and naturally thin, that when the drugs are stopped the weight should fly off, and your natural, wonderful figure will return. That is the beauty for people blessed with height and natural thinness! You are beautiful then, now and always. Just take care and don't worry about the things that will return when the chemo is stopped. It will happen, and one day this whole experience will be a distant memory. Love ya! ~~~ Missy

IsabellaCloset said...

Amy, I'm very sorry you are feeling so darn awful right now. After reading the above posts sounds like just maybe things will not be near as bad as what you've been told. I sure do hope and pray you will do as good as these other Gals. As active as you are I think you will be Ok but it will take time. I'm so amazed at the things you have been able to do so far throught all this chemo. Just please take one day at a time and get throught these last 2 treatments. Thats a must...God bless you! You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs & Love, ~Mary~ :-}

Nancy M said...

Dear Amy,
Reading this blog entry has my heart aching for you right now. I have seen my loved one go through what you are going through, and I just want you to know that every case is different. Not everyone recovers the same, and as far as taking years to get your full strength back? Don't even give that a second thought. I can tell you what I saw in Tom. He went through the strongest chemo with a hospital stay that included a stem cell transplant. They told him he would be out of work for 6 months. (He is a landscaper) He was back part time after 4 weeks! Of course he would tire easily and he had to pace himself, but after about 3 months, he was back to his regular work day. I know you will be too.. You are STRONG have the SPIRIT and what you are feeling is totally normal. Just don't let anyone tell you this will get you down for years. They don't know who they are dealing with here! : ]
Hugs and a Smooch!

Anonymous said...

mom bounced back fairly well don't believe everything those doctors tell you, no one can give you a time like that, and cowboy up? eh how bout cowboy down? do what your body tells you to do if it means you rest all day then do it. who cares what anyone on the internet or anywhere else thinks. you are almost thru don't give up! hang in!


carole said...

Darlin Amy:
I am here for you albeit miles away
: (
Every cloud has a silver ling!!!
It is darkest just before dawn!!!
You are "My Sunshine" : )
Hugs to you, my young Friend

Judy said...

Oh Amy, Amy, Amy...I am so sorry. I had a horrible day and after reading your blog I am ashamed for feeling down. I know things are tough but they will get better and hopefully it won't take as long as they say. Hang in there my lovely lady and friend. You are always in my thoughts. Lots of love and hugs.

Ele at abitofpinkheaven said...

Amy, Sending good thoughts your way. Hoping that this time will pass quickly.

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy! My heart aches for you...sometimes the cure seems worse than the illness itself.It may seem difficult now, but I know you'll get through it. I haven't read your blog for long, but when I started, I knew you were a fighter and a survivor. As always, dear Amy, you and your family are in my prayers. Don't feel too bad about not feeling up to blogging...we all understand.

Becky said...

Oh Amy! I am so sad to hear about you feeling blue. I just heard yesterday it takes about six months to feel better after chemo. The weight will come off when you get off of the steroids. Thank God that you are an amazon (laugh with me on that one) because it will s-t-e-t-c-h out. Don't hurt your back and don't do what I did to my hip!!! We all miss you, but like I have said, take care of yourself first and foremost. Then when you are better you can kick some booty blogging and selling! Love you! Becky

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers. There is a miracle in the power of prayer. You can do this! Love heals all things.

fondly, gloria g. Richards, TX


oh Amy it makes me sad thinking of you in tears like that. You will get through it and you will come out of this stronger than ever before. My husband asked me to tell you that he knows what you are going through and he sends his best wishes your way :)
He is amazing and strong and so are you!

Take Care Hon,

Shannon xo

Mary said...

Amy dear - I've checked each day and missed you. Was not surprised to hear things are rough right now but know you will stay strong and fight.
Bob and I still pray for you every single day - having both walked in your shoes we know about the pain and the fears for the future, however, you too will soon be like us, healthy again and getting on with your life.
Hang in there sweetie and God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Goodmorning Amy... Im so very sorry your going thru all this. Words are not enough to express how I feel for you right now. Sorry seems lame.
You are so loved and have soo much positive and loving energy coming your way thru thoughts and prayers, I feel strongly in my spirit you will get thru this session...You will be fine. You will win..
Everyone understands about your not blogging. Thats a given.
Keep seeing yourself as a healthy, strong cancer free Amy in your mind. Its hard as anything when you feel like you do, but you are one of the strongest and gifted people I have met online!
You will make it!!
Your family is so Blessed to have you.

~~kattz*cottage~~ said...

Bless your heart Amy ~ you've gone through so much already & I've been so amazed at your strength. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad & I know I, just like everyone else wish we could take it all away so that you'll be well & feeling better. I was so surprised to receive your sweet card & I'm so happy to know that you liked the hats...too too sweet of you to take time to write. Just get better & we're all thinking of you.


Anonymous said...


quiltdoggie said...

Dearest Amy * Have been thinking about you all day, really,I read your post this morning and really felt your heartache, my friend. So I'll just say that I hope you know how much everyone out here in the rest of the world is 100% behind you, and The Other Amy has the right idea * you just do what works for you * just listen to your body & soul, I know you are going to get through this my friend, I know it. Love you bunches, now I hope you've read this and are back resting some more!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Just read your latest blog ~~ please know that you remain in my prayers for healing, calm and peace in your heart. In the past his poem has helped me in my time of despair ~ I hope it will give a lift to your heart ~
The time must come When all things black Give in to tones of gray; When peircing darkness Of the night Breaks with the light of day. It will not happen quickly, as a wave upon the shore; Flowing forth, then receding Gone forever more. But rather, fading slowly As a mountain turns to plain, Washed away into nothingness By gentle drops of rain. Elinor M Cary
Joyce M

Stephanie said...

Dearest Amy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. No one can imagine what it is like that hasn't walked there themselves, but you describe it so vividly. Soon, these horrid treatments will be behind you & each day will be better & you will get stronger. And you are helping all of us whether you know it or not. You remain in my thoughts & prayers. God bless you.

Big ol' TX Hugs,
Angelic Accents

Anita Ehmsen said...

Amy- Jesus loves you- and so do we. Hang in there baby- you are an inspiration. Judy Davis and Carolyn from the Gingerbrad and her daughter Kris and myself talked about how strong you were when we were at Kane County- so people are praying for you all over. Hugs to you baby-


BeachysCapeCodCupboard said...

I think about you often, and please know that you continue to have my prayers.

God is right there by your side!

Genevieve Olsen said...

Oh Amy how terrible.I am so sorry and my prayers are being sent to you! I hope that you are feeling better soon! I cannot imagine all you must be going through! You are a trooper!We are here for you whenever you feel well enough to come back!
Take care of yourelf!

FarmHouse Style said...

Amy, my heart goes out to you! Please, don't feel like you have to apologize for your feelings. Scream, shout, cry, let it out. We will be right here waiting with open arms to offer hugs and prayers.

amb3r1te said...

hey, my name is amy too. :)
dats how i came across your blog actually.
i hope everything will turn out alright.
dont give up.
take care...*hugs*

cityfarmer said...

I'm crying sitting here at my keyboard....feel like I've gone thru this whole thing with you 'cept for the pain you feel...I am praying for an intervention...there are no pat answers...BUT younare loved and cared for by hundreds of special gals all over everywhere...hugs

Joy said...

Your honesty is heartbreaking but I am so glad you feel safe with us to tell us exactly how you are feeling. You need this outlet. We are all praying and sending good thoughts your way. I pray that God will see you through this Amy and that when you heal and feel better, you will be a shining beacon of light for others who will have to go through it. BIG, FAT, WARM HUGS sent your way girl.

Anonymous said...

Dear Amy, I am sorry you have been so low lately. I haven't experienced what you are going through but I watched my close friend go through the same things 8 years ago. She went thru breast reconstruction, 6 months of chemo, all the weight gain and exhaustion, etc etc. She had an aggressive stage 4 cancer. She looks the best she has ever looked now, 8 years later. Vibrant, slender and beautiful hair :) And, it didn't take 8 years...she was looking and feeling good a long time before now. So, hang in there, cry when you need to, eat , rest, DON'T worry about the extra weight. And you will be back on top of your game in a short time. Sheri :)

Anonymous said...

How wonderful that you have sooooo many prayer warriors, Amy. It seems every one all over is sending up prayers for you. How much better it is to suffer thru this kind of illness with friends to help hold you up....with their hearts and sincere prayers. It does make one wonder how in the world they get thru this sort of things without love of Jesus Christ and FRIENDS! My prayers are with you, too, Amy.

Anonymous said...

Amy, I feel so sad for you right now. My good friend Angie had a very discouraging week as well and she only has 2 chemos left too. thank God you are getting to the end of this journey. I truly admire you for keeping up all that you do during this extremely difficult time in your life. Thoughts and prayers are on the way. Hugs, Susie

Meggie said...

Amy: I just today found your blog and I am totally overwhelmed. You are an inspiration!! I viewed your post op photos...what courage it takes to share so that others may learn. Thank you! I promise to pray for you daily and visit you again.

ellen said...

Sending love and prayers for hope and some sunshine in your life. This is plain not o.k.

Nancy said...

Thinking of you each day and praying for you each night. So many people pulling for you girl. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh I am rooting and praying for you - hang in there! I hope your pain subsides and you are resting comfortably, that cancer sucks - you must NEVER let it get the best of you - you are a woman with strength - YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!
Love and Prayers to you!

Solange said...

Dear Amy ~ Just a few more weeks, honey....Before you know it you will be back to your normal, bubbly, amazing self and all this would feel like a bad dream!
I pray for you every day!!!!

Betty said...

My heart goes out to you.....All five of my siblings plus my Mother were victims of are in my thoughts and prayers.....Betty