Well, today is 24 hours and counting before I start my first chemotherapy treatment. I am SCARED TO DEATH. Over the past week I have been having horrible dreams in my sleep that I go into cardiac arrest while I am sitting there getting my chemo treatment. I think it all started with the reason they needed to do the Muga Heart Test.
I don't know if I told you but I bawled like a baby when they took me into surgery for my double mastectomy. I was scared that I wouldn't wake up after they put me under. THAT IS ALWAYS my BIGGEST FEAR when I am put under. But I did wake up, yet I was still crying when I came out of surgery. Funny huh???
Today I have to start a huge dose of steriods, something to do with my veins and I just don't want to go into that chemo room tomorrow. I told Bob, I know I will cry when I have to sit down and start but he will be right there with me, holding my hand and talking me thru it. Thank you Bob, I really don't know what I would do without YOU!!!
I am sitting here crying while I try to write this because I am truly so scared. It really SUCKS that I have to go thru this....that ANYONE has to go thru this and I just don't want to be sick anymore. So far, I've kept a pretty good outlook about this but today feels like the beginning of the end. Hard to explain but I am having a MELTDOWN....I am HAVING A PITY PARTY....but I have to do this....if I don't, I only have a 40% chance of living.
On a good note, I have lots of friends coming over today and tonight and I am hoping to get some good pictures with them before my hair falls out over the next 2 weeks. I just want that memory as I don't think I will ever get my hair this long again. Even tho, losing my hair is the least of my worries, it has always been my "trademark". Everyone Loves My Hair.....Everyone always tells me, "Don't Ever Cut It"....even strangers tell me that and how beautiful it is. Not sure how I am going to handle it when it really does fall out.....so we will see.
If you have the time, please say a little prayer for me that I don't lose it when I get there tomorrow.....I AM SO SCARED and I wish I didn't have to go thru this!!!! ~Amy~