Tuesday, June 26, 2007

~I'm SCARED~


Well, today is 24 hours and counting before I start my first chemotherapy treatment. I am SCARED TO DEATH. Over the past week I have been having horrible dreams in my sleep that I go into cardiac arrest while I am sitting there getting my chemo treatment. I think it all started with the reason they needed to do the Muga Heart Test.

I don't know if I told you but I bawled like a baby when they took me into surgery for my double mastectomy. I was scared that I wouldn't wake up after they put me under. THAT IS ALWAYS my BIGGEST FEAR when I am put under. But I did wake up, yet I was still crying when I came out of surgery. Funny huh???

Today I have to start a huge dose of steriods, something to do with my veins and I just don't want to go into that chemo room tomorrow. I told Bob, I know I will cry when I have to sit down and start but he will be right there with me, holding my hand and talking me thru it. Thank you Bob, I really don't know what I would do without YOU!!!

I am sitting here crying while I try to write this because I am truly so scared. It really SUCKS that I have to go thru this....that ANYONE has to go thru this and I just don't want to be sick anymore. So far, I've kept a pretty good outlook about this but today feels like the beginning of the end. Hard to explain but I am having a MELTDOWN....I am HAVING A PITY PARTY....but I have to do this....if I don't, I only have a 40% chance of living.
On a good note, I have lots of friends coming over today and tonight and I am hoping to get some good pictures with them before my hair falls out over the next 2 weeks. I just want that memory as I don't think I will ever get my hair this long again. Even tho, losing my hair is the least of my worries, it has always been my "trademark". Everyone Loves My Hair.....Everyone always tells me, "Don't Ever Cut It"....even strangers tell me that and how beautiful it is. Not sure how I am going to handle it when it really does fall out.....so we will see.

If you have the time, please say a little prayer for me that I don't lose it when I get there tomorrow.....I AM SO SCARED and I wish I didn't have to go thru this!!!! ~Amy~

24 comments:

Dana said...

Amy,


I'm sending prayers and lots of hugs your way! Take care of yourself!!



Dana
d05@goldingers.com

cityfarmer said...

Amy, of course we will all be in prayer and have been for weeks ...Iwas wondering is ther any way you can postpone this until your nerves are settled down...even a month or two...when you think of the trauma you just went through, I think maybe this is too much for you so soon...just some thoughts...the 40% chance is what the medical world says...but God is our Healer and our hope is in Him, right?

Judy said...

You don't need to ask we are all here for you. I think about you and pray for you every. You can have your meltdowns and cry whenever you want. You are the bravest gal I know and you are doing fantastic!! Geez if it was me I'd be throwing things. Not that it would do any good. No it is not fair but you will survive this and be a stronger person for it. Hang in there my friend. You are so lucky to have Bob and family and friends to help you. I will be there with you tomorrow holding the hand that Bob isn't. Take care my friend. Love you.

The Urban Chic said...

Amy, I think you have more strength than you realize. Fight off the fears and just think of it as curing juice. A girl I know, shaved her head before it started to fall and her new hair is 10 times more gorgeous after it grew back. Remember it's okay to cry---as we have all cried for you. Huge angel prayers headed your way.

Sweet Remembrance said...

Amy...Sweety, you are in my prayer always & know that I will be there with you tomorrow too! Not physically but in thought and in my heart. I will be holding your hand and quietly encouraging you.
God Bless...

Camie M. said...

Amy,
I've told you before that God never gives us more than we can handle and it's true this time too. I know you are scared and you have every reason to be, but just try to rejoice in knowing that He is with you the entire way through this and that you WILL get through it. This is quite a journey for you and your family but I believe there is more to this than just you fighting cancer...you are so well loved by so many people and the wonderful outgoing person you are has given you and all of us a gift in that you are able to share your journey with other women and I KNOW you have already helped many many of us that maybe haven't been so diligent in our exams or some of us who will be taking our own cancer journey in the future. I am praying the the Lord gives you a calm assurance and a peace knowing that you are increasing your odds of many many more years of a wonderful life, and that you are reaching/helping so many people by sharing this, and that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel. I know it would probably be nice to postpone chemo for awhile as cityfarmer suggested, but I think the doctors would agree that when you are dealing with cancer, chemo is best done sooner rather than later. You just cling to Bob and your faith and don't feel guilty if you have a meltdown while you are there...you are human and nobody can be Super Woman all the time.
You hang in there! Love you bunches! We will ALL be praying you through this as we have been!!
Camie
PS..Happy Birthday Maddi!!...it's almost here!!

Blog surfer said...

Amy,
I'm praying for you. I wouldn't put the chemo off. DO WHAT THE DOCTOR TELLS YOU!
Also, why not just cut your hair? Why wait for it to fall out? At least it'll be less to contend with. I think it's a good idea.

She'sSewPretty said...

Amy....My sweet friend...You made me cry right along with you...First off..there are drugs to help with the nausea...take them...Secondly...I have a few friends who have had chemo...their hair came back prettier than ever and I'm sure yours will too! I've been through bad times in my life and I just say to myself..I'll just get through Today! Hugs and Prayers and much Love!!

BeachysCapeCodCupboard said...

We're all here praying for you! If you start feeling badly, just close your eyes and remember all we ladies out here who love you and are praying as hard as they can for you! Your prayers that have been answered so far are only just the beginning, as prayers don't go unanswered! =)

Raised In Cotton said...

Hi Amy,

I just happened on your blog today and had to leave a post. As an RN I have helped many women with breast cancer. I know you are going through an incredible tough time, here are just a few suggestions that have helped other women~
1. Keep a journal to write down your thoughts. It also helps to jot down information regarding your treatment plan. You are going through a medical maze right now and it helps to keep notes.
2. Support group like Reach To Recovery~your Oncologist could help facilitate this.
3. During your Chemo treatments bring an IPod or earphones and a radio to help get your mind off of the infusions.
4. Drink plenty of water the day before and after your Chemo. This helps get the drugs through your system where they need to be.
5. If you have poor IV access ask your Oncologist about a PORT for Chemo and blood draws.
6. Also ask about EMLA cream before being stuck for your Chemo. This is a topical ointment that helps numb the area before IV sticks.
I am sending out a big hug to you and many prayers.

Carol

Sharon Kay said...

Amy, I will say a special Amy prayer tonight. I know you must me scared and I would think that is a normal reaction for what you are going through. I have not walked in your shoes and neither has any other person unless they have also had cancer. Please take time to cry and we are all behind you and will be thinking of you tomorrow. Sharon K

Gayla said...

Oh, I just felt so sad when i read this. I wish you and nobody else had to go through with this. I know you will be stronger tomorrow when it actually starts. It's the thinking that makes us scared! Remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" I will be praying for you and I'm so glad you have Bob to hold your hand. My friend Dana went through this and said it wasn't as bad as she feared it would be. I hope that is true for you as well. Hugs! G.

~Becca~Bluebird Rose said...

Amy, I wish you didn't have to go through this either. What you are feeling now is entirely normal, it is anxiety. I get that when I'm going through much less than what you are facing!
I am glad Bob is going to be there with you..... you'll be fine with his hand to hold, and just think of all of us that are with you in spirit.
Wish I could do more -- but please know you are not alone......
(((((big hugs)))))

Ele said...

Amy, I only know you through your blog, but I just feel you are a strong, brave woman. Being strong has NOTHING to do with crying. You can shed tears all you want. It's going to be o.k.. I will have you in my prayers. What an inspiration you are to all of us. Even if the things of this world give us ***, God is there to help us through. You will look back on all of this some day and see that you were strong, that God was and is there. The times I had surgery or something really trying, I kept reciting the Lords prayer. It takes your mind off of what's happening. Dear friend, you will get through this.
Ele

Betty said...

Amy, you better believe you are in my prayers.....My friend 2 months ago was diagnosed with Large Cell Lymphoma....she began chemo and lost her hair....we are members of Red Hatters and when she was able to come to church we all wore hats to let her know we are with her through thick and thin....she has one more treatment and she has done so well...I know you will also...God Bless...Betty

IsabellasCloset said...

Amy, We are all here for you. Wish I could be there with you tomorrow too. Glad you are keeping busy with family and friends today.
It's great that Bob will be there to hold your hand tomorrow.Bless you Bob!!
Hang in there sweetie..remember what they told you, the worst is over. I sure hope that it is.
You will be in my prayers tomorrow as always..
Hugs & Love ~Mary~ :-}

MaryB said...

Awww Amy, I'm sorry that you're so scared, but I'm sure it's very normal, maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Everytime I think of my sister Linda, I think of you also. She just had her 2nd treatment today, normally (in her case) her hair doesn't fall out until after the 2nd treatment, so this past weekend she got a very short haircut.
I'm sure (from what my sister tells me) that the technicians that administer the chemo are just as efficient as your Dr., and they will watch you like a hawk, as they do the other patients.
I also had a brother in law that I went to chemo treatments with, and you will bond with some of the other chemo patients, you'll all look after each other. There are many technicians (nurses) in the room. You hold tight to hubby's hand and if you need to cry to get you through it, you go right ahead.
You can ask the Dr. for anxiety meds until you get more comfortable with going.
Just know that you will be safe, and many, many people are praying for you!
I wish I could go with you to give you hugs and comfort you.
Hugs,
Mary

Anonymous said...

Amy....follow the Lords lead and you can't go wrong! I have been remembering you in my prayers and will continue to do so!
When I am scared I imagine that the Lord is right beside me holding my hand....it is such a comfort to know the HE IS truly there....be brave dear one.....Blessings, Dianntha

Lallee said...

Amy, I'll be thinking of you all day tomorrow. You will meet others who are past their first day of chemo, and I know they will give you encouragement. God bless!

Hugs,
Lallee

Genevieve Olsen said...

Amy, my thoughts and prayers are with you! You are so brave! Hang in there! I will check back soon and see how you are doing! Thanks for keeping us updated I think about you and all that you are going through a lot! Thanks!

carole @scoundrelsandrogues said...

Oh Darlin Amy:
*(&(*&^&*^%%^$E^$%%$#%$##%&*^*&*%$%#
@%$#@!!##$&*(&*^^%$#@!~!@$%*^&(^(*&*
Get my point, Girlfriend?
I love you and I am in your corner too. I would bring balloons if I did NOT live so far away : (
Love
carole
One of your MANY fans : )

carol smith said...

Amy,
Have been looking at your wonderful web site for a few months. Have never left a comment... well except now.
I think you are a brave solider in God's army. God uses all things, so you can be sure that he will bring something really good out of all this. I pray that you will KNOW what exactly what his intended purposes for you are. I think he desires us to know "what he is up to". So I pray wisdom and knowledge for you.
Hugs and prayers to Amy. May God just hold you in his BIG arms tonight all thru tomorrow and may the peace of God that passes all understanding rest upon you.

carol increase4smiths@yahoo.com

Mary said...

Amy,

I too only know you from your blog. I wanted to let you know I am praying for you and thinking of you early this morning. It is ok to be scared and to cry. Let others help you and take care of you until you are stronger. I am praying that you will feel God's comfort and peace today as never before. You will come out on the other side of this. May God bless you and keep you as only He can.

Warm hugs to you!! another Mary

Leigh Ann said...

Amy, I'm thinking of you today as you start another scary step on your road to recovery. I am glad you have people there to lean on. I know you have many, many out here in blogville.

Great big hugs, LA